So here it is, the last update from Afghanistan, and this wandering in the wilderness is coming to an end. It's been a long month of passing the torch, preparing for christmas, and making sure all the boxes are checked for coming home. That said I apologize (sort of) for the lack of updates, but in the grand scheme of things this blog has been relegated to a back seat for the more pressing matters at hand. That and without Internet access it's hard to post anything, such is the way of transition.
So here I sit in Camp Dwyer, our last stop in Afghanistan before we begin the flight home. Incidentally I'm actually typing this blog on my iPad (shameless plug) and will updated wirelessly. Yes I'm halfway back to civilization now with unrestricted Internet, and more food than I care to eat*
*tangent: So I was in the chow hall yesterday and was feeling very guilty about eating lunch, not just lunch there but lunch in general. My normal has been two meals a day and small snacks. Point in fact I had to stop running about 2 months ago due to shin splints so no exercise, and I'm still loosing weight, and no I'm not dieting per-say - I'm eating less because there is less to eat. So here I sit in the chow how with a plethora of food to choose from and I get a cheeseburger and some fries. The guilt is overwhelming, fat kid food - and as I see another marine walk by with not one but TWO cheeseburgers, it dawns on me that I'm feeling guilty over normal portion sizes, it's not that I'm over eating it's that for the past six months I've been under-eating. So to stick it to the man, I got ice-cream.
/end guilt trip
So here I sit in the same place I typed my first blog in country about loosing my earthly joys and I'm discovering that the thought of them approaching me through space and time as my path takes me back to them has grown in measure due the experiences and moments in this place. This time apart has been good. The food is a good example. I used to over eat simply because I could, but go without or rather go with less for so long and you find you appreciate the simple things more. See we tend to over indulge on everything that bring us happiness (and food really makes me happy) thinking that the more we have the better we will feel, but in reality, saturation leads to mal-content, in everything save one.
It is in His presence that my joy(s) are made complete. Because I'm designed to be saturated by Him, nothing else can ever fill me up.
So here I am on the verge of rediscovering my wife, my kids, my earthly joys and they are to me far sweeter then when I left them. I've known what it is to want and not have; I've learned how to be content when I have nothing.
Because loosing yourself is finding joy.
Chaplain Carson
Thursday, November 24. 2011
The Chaplain's Proverb
This post is primarily directed at future chaplains, though it has benefit for all, our roll as a servant of a higher authority with in the command structure of the military comes with its own set of frustrations, interactions and moments that can at times fall outside the role of pastor and land squarely in the roll of advisor.
Like many struggling at times to partake in a daily devotion my fall back plan has always been to read the Proverbs that correspond to the day of the month. Today being the 25th of November I read Proverbs 25. To those searching out the call to chaplaincy read these words, it is the very best advice I can give on how to be a good, even a great, chaplain. Though I would argue I fall far short of that mark more often then not.
To any who serve, in any manner, they are poignant, timely and as timeless as the very nature of God, they are after all HIS words.
Proverbs 25
May my light dim so that HIS may grow to an all consuming fire.
Chaplain Carson
Like many struggling at times to partake in a daily devotion my fall back plan has always been to read the Proverbs that correspond to the day of the month. Today being the 25th of November I read Proverbs 25. To those searching out the call to chaplaincy read these words, it is the very best advice I can give on how to be a good, even a great, chaplain. Though I would argue I fall far short of that mark more often then not.
To any who serve, in any manner, they are poignant, timely and as timeless as the very nature of God, they are after all HIS words.
Proverbs 25
1These also are proverbs of Solomon which the men of Hezekiah king of Judah copied.
2It is the glory of God to conceal things,
but the glory of kings is to search things out.
3As the heavens for height, and the earth for depth,
so the heart of kings is unsearchable.
4Take away the dross from the silver,
and the smith has material for a vessel;
5take away the wicked from the presence of the king,
and his throne will be established in righteousness.
6Do not put yourself forward in the king’s presence
or stand in the place of the great,
7for it is better to be told, "Come up here,"
than to be put lower in the presence of a noble.
What your eyes have seen
8 Do not hastily bring into court,
for what will you do in the end,
when your neighbor puts you to shame?
9 Argue your case with your neighbor himself,
and do not reveal another’s secret,
10lest he who hears you bring shame upon you,
and your ill repute have no end.
11 A word fitly spoken
is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
12Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold
is a wise reprover to a listening ear.
13Like the cold of snow in the time of harvest
is a faithful messenger to those who send him;
he refreshes the soul of his masters.
14Like clouds and wind without rain
is a man who boasts of a gift he does not give.
15With patience a ruler may be persuaded,
and a soft tongue will break a bone.
16If you have found honey, eat only enough for you,
lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.
17Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house,
lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
18A man who bears false witness against his neighbor
is like a war club, or a sword, or a sharp arrow.
19Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble
is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips.
20Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart
is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day,
and like vinegar on soda.
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
22for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the LORD will reward you.
23The north wind brings forth rain,
and a backbiting tongue, angry looks.
24 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
25Like cold water to a thirsty soul,
so is good news from a far country.
26Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain
is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked.
27It is not good to eat much honey,
nor is it glorious to seek one’s own glory.
28A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.
May my light dim so that HIS may grow to an all consuming fire.
Chaplain Carson
Saturday, November 19. 2011
From The Chaplain's Wife
I know I have not posted on this blog much (maybe once or twice?), but if you are interested in reading a little bit about our Chaplaincy journey from a wife's perspective, I have begun a short series on my blog: Blue Tassel.
Friday, November 11. 2011
The All in All
I’ve spend the better part of this year away from my family, away from the comforts of home, away, for all intents and purposes the things that matter. Or have I?
I find myself in a pensive mood these past few weeks reflecting on just that question. What really matters? We fill the void of that statement with a thousand different things from health to family, from riches to accomplishments. We talk about things such as legacy and honor, courage and strength, and miss the mark by miles too distant to measure.
I thought my life was built upon the Lord, His foundation was the beginning of who I was, of what I was. I felt a call to serve Him, and out of that calling I built my list, my things that matter most. Those ordered priorities. God of course, and family, and friends, and ministry, and honor, and strength, dare I say personal glory. Those things matter. And yet over the course of a few short months God has turned each of those things on its head. Were I stripped of personal glory, still I would go on. Were my courage to fail, my honor shamed; if I left no legacy, stripped of friends, were my family lost to me still I would go on. The only thing I cannot escape is that God matters, without him all that matters would cease to matter at all. It is such a simple thing to say, such a simple proposition and yet my wandering heart craves more then just God. I’ve often felt He can’t possible be enough.
Yet He is.
There have been moments out here, in this Afghanistan, this wilderness, when I feared for my very life, when I was afraid to my very core that I had no answers for hurting hearts. In those moments I wept for the loss of my father, my mentor who guided me as Paul guided Timothy. I thought I needed Him and could never survive without his guidance. Moments when the phone would not work and I desperately needed to hear the voice of my wife on the other end of the line and the phone was dead. There are times too numerous to mention when I feared as if I was undone because some “thing” some hurt to great to bare alone would bow my spirit low within me because I lacked something that I thought mattered. I prayed, I cried out to God, to make the phone work, to grant me luck of the draw, to give me some clue as to what my father’s words would be. Silence followed. How could a loving God remove from me the things I needed most, the things that mattered?
Yet as I write these words I am not undone, I am not bowed low under the despair which consumes so many. I am full to the overflow, of a peace which destroys doubt, of a joy which makes no room for despair.
What matters? God and nothing else. Scripture says to seek first the kingdom of God. I was using God to bring me what I thought I needed what I wanted, and He was silent. Or was He?
When you have nothing else to pull you though the long dark night is God enough? Is he really all that matters?
Life is simply the discovery that God is the All in All.
Because He did, I can.
Chaplain Carson
I find myself in a pensive mood these past few weeks reflecting on just that question. What really matters? We fill the void of that statement with a thousand different things from health to family, from riches to accomplishments. We talk about things such as legacy and honor, courage and strength, and miss the mark by miles too distant to measure.
I thought my life was built upon the Lord, His foundation was the beginning of who I was, of what I was. I felt a call to serve Him, and out of that calling I built my list, my things that matter most. Those ordered priorities. God of course, and family, and friends, and ministry, and honor, and strength, dare I say personal glory. Those things matter. And yet over the course of a few short months God has turned each of those things on its head. Were I stripped of personal glory, still I would go on. Were my courage to fail, my honor shamed; if I left no legacy, stripped of friends, were my family lost to me still I would go on. The only thing I cannot escape is that God matters, without him all that matters would cease to matter at all. It is such a simple thing to say, such a simple proposition and yet my wandering heart craves more then just God. I’ve often felt He can’t possible be enough.
Yet He is.
There have been moments out here, in this Afghanistan, this wilderness, when I feared for my very life, when I was afraid to my very core that I had no answers for hurting hearts. In those moments I wept for the loss of my father, my mentor who guided me as Paul guided Timothy. I thought I needed Him and could never survive without his guidance. Moments when the phone would not work and I desperately needed to hear the voice of my wife on the other end of the line and the phone was dead. There are times too numerous to mention when I feared as if I was undone because some “thing” some hurt to great to bare alone would bow my spirit low within me because I lacked something that I thought mattered. I prayed, I cried out to God, to make the phone work, to grant me luck of the draw, to give me some clue as to what my father’s words would be. Silence followed. How could a loving God remove from me the things I needed most, the things that mattered?
Yet as I write these words I am not undone, I am not bowed low under the despair which consumes so many. I am full to the overflow, of a peace which destroys doubt, of a joy which makes no room for despair.
What matters? God and nothing else. Scripture says to seek first the kingdom of God. I was using God to bring me what I thought I needed what I wanted, and He was silent. Or was He?
When you have nothing else to pull you though the long dark night is God enough? Is he really all that matters?
Life is simply the discovery that God is the All in All.
Because He did, I can.
Chaplain Carson
Thursday, October 20. 2011
Oneness
Going in an entirely other direction I want to address the subject of marriage. Not just marriage within the military but marriage in general.
I fear our society is both running away from propriety and gripped with it – to the point where marriage has lost its power – even to those of us who hold it most dear as the building blocks of society. The foundation of our union becomes the foundation of our family and the foundations are crumbling in a mask of deceit based not on willful evil, but rather, something a little more sinister: Pride.
A few years back I was having breakfast with a few older pastors, seasoned, tried, tested and found true. I, still being new to the calling Christ had laid on my heart was look for mentorship, leadership, advice. Somewhere between the second and third cup of coffee I offered that in the pursuit of solid preaching I asked my wife after every sermon how she thought I had done. I was scolded for that. Gently I was told that one should never ask his wife – the one who knows him best – how his preaching was. It just wasn’t done. I was told with a knowing smile that I would understand when I’ve matured; when we’ve been married a while; when the “infatuation” wears off.
Needless to say to any who know me well, I did not, nor will I ever heed that type of advice. To keep my wife at a safe distance. The absurdity of such a proposition borders on blasphemy when strained through the light of Scripture.
And the two shall become one.
I recently read a very touching, very heart wrenching, soul breaking piece of work called “A Marine’s Promise”, and its sister piece “A Marine Wife’s Promise.” Oh how they moved, how they stirred. You walk away with both sadness at the sacrifices made, and joy at the hope of promises.
And yet…
Mixed in with the sacrifice, the time apart, was something else, something at first glance sweet but that turned the stomach sour.
Gentle and Sinister.
Apart not only in time and space, but also in spirit and understanding.
There it was again, the pride. I’ll withhold stuff to protect you. I’ll share parts of my life with others who understand things you cannot. I’ll decide what you need from me and what you don’t – for your protection, of course, naturally. I know best. That whole notion of two becoming one is good in most areas of our lives, but here in this corner, there in that coat closet, this is mine – not yours. His and Hers. Yours and Mine. But don’t worry I’m keeping this part of me from you because I love you so much.
And the two shall become one.
But God doesn’t really know best, what if I break her heart? What if he doesn’t understand? Oh the lies we feed ourselves. We argue for deep love yet are afraid to move past the safety of the shallows. Strength of bond is not made without stress. Stress strengthens where it doesn’t break. We are so afraid of breaking some unspoken rule of propriety we never stress that which needs to be strongest.
What God has joined…
If you share half a life with someone, how well are they able to understand you? I don’t ask my wife to critique my sermons seeking praise – I ask her this question for the very answer that others warn me off of asking it. I want to know when I’ve done poorly – when my life doesn’t echo the words of my message. When my walk, the walk my wife knows better than anyone else, mirrors my words, then I am comforted by the words of another that I am staying true to my Lord, my Savior, and my God.
I am as I write this at war in a distant land and, as such, certain things remain a mystery to my wife out of necessity of time and seasons and responsibility. But once re-united in the flesh all things will be shared. All things will find the light of day. My wife holds the darkest secrets of my heart, the hidden unspoken dreams, the dread fears, in her hands. I hold hers. Ours is a union built on trust. Not a little trust, not trust in a few things – but trust in all things. She knows me – humbles me – builds me up – chastises me – cherishes me.
We spend our days hiding our true-selves from the one we love most, then end it all with comments such as he doesn’t understand me, she doesn’t know me. Irreconcilable differences. We remain different because we never pursued Oneness.
Marriage has I fear become a partnership, not a union.
My wife is not my partner, to be so would be less than what God intended.
She and I are One.
Don’t let selfish pride stand in the way of what God has for your marriage. My wife is not one among many; she is not simply my best friend. She, in comparison to all others, is my only friend. This is right, this is good.
Marriage mirrors, through the corruption of a world fallen, how our relationship with God should be.
And the two shall become one.
With all my heart, everything I have, everything I am
All that HE has made me to be, in Him by Him and through Him – I give to you.
Angela, I love you beyond space and time.
-Philip
I fear our society is both running away from propriety and gripped with it – to the point where marriage has lost its power – even to those of us who hold it most dear as the building blocks of society. The foundation of our union becomes the foundation of our family and the foundations are crumbling in a mask of deceit based not on willful evil, but rather, something a little more sinister: Pride.
A few years back I was having breakfast with a few older pastors, seasoned, tried, tested and found true. I, still being new to the calling Christ had laid on my heart was look for mentorship, leadership, advice. Somewhere between the second and third cup of coffee I offered that in the pursuit of solid preaching I asked my wife after every sermon how she thought I had done. I was scolded for that. Gently I was told that one should never ask his wife – the one who knows him best – how his preaching was. It just wasn’t done. I was told with a knowing smile that I would understand when I’ve matured; when we’ve been married a while; when the “infatuation” wears off.
Needless to say to any who know me well, I did not, nor will I ever heed that type of advice. To keep my wife at a safe distance. The absurdity of such a proposition borders on blasphemy when strained through the light of Scripture.
And the two shall become one.
I recently read a very touching, very heart wrenching, soul breaking piece of work called “A Marine’s Promise”, and its sister piece “A Marine Wife’s Promise.” Oh how they moved, how they stirred. You walk away with both sadness at the sacrifices made, and joy at the hope of promises.
And yet…
Mixed in with the sacrifice, the time apart, was something else, something at first glance sweet but that turned the stomach sour.
Gentle and Sinister.
Apart not only in time and space, but also in spirit and understanding.
There it was again, the pride. I’ll withhold stuff to protect you. I’ll share parts of my life with others who understand things you cannot. I’ll decide what you need from me and what you don’t – for your protection, of course, naturally. I know best. That whole notion of two becoming one is good in most areas of our lives, but here in this corner, there in that coat closet, this is mine – not yours. His and Hers. Yours and Mine. But don’t worry I’m keeping this part of me from you because I love you so much.
And the two shall become one.
But God doesn’t really know best, what if I break her heart? What if he doesn’t understand? Oh the lies we feed ourselves. We argue for deep love yet are afraid to move past the safety of the shallows. Strength of bond is not made without stress. Stress strengthens where it doesn’t break. We are so afraid of breaking some unspoken rule of propriety we never stress that which needs to be strongest.
What God has joined…
If you share half a life with someone, how well are they able to understand you? I don’t ask my wife to critique my sermons seeking praise – I ask her this question for the very answer that others warn me off of asking it. I want to know when I’ve done poorly – when my life doesn’t echo the words of my message. When my walk, the walk my wife knows better than anyone else, mirrors my words, then I am comforted by the words of another that I am staying true to my Lord, my Savior, and my God.
I am as I write this at war in a distant land and, as such, certain things remain a mystery to my wife out of necessity of time and seasons and responsibility. But once re-united in the flesh all things will be shared. All things will find the light of day. My wife holds the darkest secrets of my heart, the hidden unspoken dreams, the dread fears, in her hands. I hold hers. Ours is a union built on trust. Not a little trust, not trust in a few things – but trust in all things. She knows me – humbles me – builds me up – chastises me – cherishes me.
We spend our days hiding our true-selves from the one we love most, then end it all with comments such as he doesn’t understand me, she doesn’t know me. Irreconcilable differences. We remain different because we never pursued Oneness.
Marriage has I fear become a partnership, not a union.
My wife is not my partner, to be so would be less than what God intended.
She and I are One.
Don’t let selfish pride stand in the way of what God has for your marriage. My wife is not one among many; she is not simply my best friend. She, in comparison to all others, is my only friend. This is right, this is good.
Marriage mirrors, through the corruption of a world fallen, how our relationship with God should be.
And the two shall become one.
With all my heart, everything I have, everything I am
All that HE has made me to be, in Him by Him and through Him – I give to you.
Angela, I love you beyond space and time.
-Philip
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